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Runaway Bride: Are You Ready to Get Married?
by Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos
Jennifer Wilbanks was engaged to marry John Mason on April 30, 2005 in Duluth, Georgia. The wedding was going to be a lavish affair, with more than 500 guests and 14 bridesmaids. When Jennifer vanished four days before the wedding, it not only shocked her friends and family, but it captured international attention.
For four days, her fiancé feared her dead. But finally, in the early hours of April 30, Jennifer phoned first John, then her mother, and finally the Albuquerque police, sobbing and claiming to have been kidnapped by a man and a woman.
Later that day, after police found her unharmed, she confessed that the entire thing was a hoax. Though she claimed to still love John very much, she was overwhelmed with the stress of the impending wedding to the point where she just had to escape. In the process, she put John in the position of being a suspect in her disappearance, she threw her friends and family into turmoil, and she cost the state more than $60,000 as they searched for her.
Jennifer Wilbanks may be the world's most famous runaway bride, but she wasn't its first and she won't be its last. Countless brides and grooms would admit to some degree of cold feet in the days and weeks leading up to the big event. In most cases, it's nothing more than the perfectly understandable jitters that accompany any life-transforming event. Other times, though, prenuptial doubt really does signify that the marriage may be a mistake.
Are you ready to get married? Before you stand at the alter, I have some things I would love to share with you so that you don’t end up being one who gets cold feet - or even worse, making a major mistake by marrying the wrong person.
Take your time
There is no bigger decision you will ever make than choosing the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. Given that, you'd be very wise to give it a great deal of thought and prayer.
In most cases, there is no good reason to be in a hurry to run to the altar. Take the time to really get to know one another and decide if you truly do want to commit your life to this person and raise a family with them. I always recommend that a couple be together for at least a full calendar year before they get engaged, to see each other in every season of the year. It takes at least that long for the excitement of a new relationship to wear off enough that you can begin to be objective about the person.
You know, if it is the right decision, it will still be the right decision six months from now. If the person is pressuring you to get married too soon, be careful, because time is on your side. If they are the right person for you, they will be willing to give you the time you need to really feel at peace about marrying them.
Let the fog of feelings clear
Those early days of a relationship are such an intense time. A couple meets, they fall in love (or often just lust), and they have this explosion of feelings. Pretty soon they decide to get married, because it just feels right.
If you're in that stage right now you may find this hard to believe, but feelings come and go. Passion comes in and then it goes out, just like the tide. As author Gary Thomas has said, the euphoric emotions of young love aren't permanent residents; they're temporary visitors. In a great marriage they visit often, but they never stay forever.
What this means is that feelings alone are not a good foundation for marriage. Yes, you want to marry someone you love; someone who makes you happy. But if that is the only reason you have for marrying a person, you're not going to have much to fall back on the first time those feelings take a leave of absence.
Search for quality
"What a babe!" "He's so hot!" So many people are just fixated on the good looks. And there's nothing wrong with wanting an attractive spouse. But, much like the mushy feelings, physical appearance is not a good thing on which to base a marriage.
Good looks fade. No matter how well we take care of ourselves, time and gravity do eventually catch up with us all. And even if beauty did last forever, will your spouse's good looks be a great comfort to you when you find them impossible to live with? Not likely.
Good character, on the other hand, doesn't fade away. Quality people - people defined by integrity, loyalty, respect, generosity and kindness - just get deeper and stronger over the years. That's the kind of person you can spend decades with; the kind of person you want to help you raise your children. So don't just go after the hottest person on the block. Go after real quality.
Resolve your issues
I believe that unresolved personal baggage has become the number one issue causing marriages to fail. In our messed up world, people are coming into marriage carrying so much hurt and confusion from their past. Those things deep inside can really hold you back from being the husband or wife you need to be.
What kind of issues am I talking about? Things like the emotional baggage of previous relationships, problems from your family of origin, or unforgiveness that you're harbouring towards others. If we don't deal with stuff like this, it does come back to bite us in the end. Resolve these issues first so you can have the strength and freedom to be an amazing spouse.
Get outside input
Having worked with youth and young adults for most of my career, it's a story I've heard time and time again. "I want to marry this guy and I know it's the right thing to do, but my parents are dead set against it."
I want you to know that if this is truly the right decision, those who know you best - parents, family, friends, work associates, counsellors, pastors and rabbis - will be able to affirm it. Remember, these people know you very well, they love you and want the best for you. They aren't out to make your life miserable; they want you to be happy. But being one step removed from the situation, they are able to be a little more objective than you, and they may pick up on things you haven't noticed. Yes, there is the rare situation where the parents are wrong and the relationship really is a good thing, but in the majority of cases they have a good sense about these things. So don’t be afraid to get outside input. If marriage is the right decision, those closest to you will confirm it, and that will actually strengthen your own confidence in your decision.
No one wants to be a runaway bride or runaway groom. But remember, it's a lot better in the long run to step back before the wedding than to find yourself in a marriage you wish you could run away from later on. I hope these suggestions will help you make a decision that will last a lifetime.
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~Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC, and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored, a television program airing weekly across Canada. Check www.marriageuncensored.com for local broadcast information.