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Transferring Values to Your Kids
by Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos
Some of us were more prepared for parenthood than others. You've got the couples who have mapped out exactly when they want to have their kids, how far apart they will be, and how they will be raised from diapers through college. Then there are the couples where it's more like, "WHAT? You're pregnant?!?" They haven't planned for it; perhaps haven't even wanted it, but the next thing they know they've got a kid…and they don't know what to do with it.
Wherever you are on that continuum, chances are that by the time your first child hit two years old, you realized there is no such thing as a perfect parenting plan. Every parent wants to raise a child who will become a person of character; a person of integrity who will make a positive difference in the lives of others. Unfortunately though, there’s no manual that will guarantee you the outcome you desire.
Yet, that doesn't mean we should approach it haphazardly. As a parent, you have an amazing opportunity to shape another generation; to help develop a person who will carry on your legacy and continue to impact the world long after you are gone. What a privilege! Being a parent is an awesome thing, and we need to take it seriously.
Determine what you stand for
You can't transfer your values to your kids if you don't know what you stand for. As a couple, take the time to talk through your beliefs and the virtues you hold most dear. It's critical that you're on the same page in this, or you'll end up each leading your kids in a different direction.
From there, you can map out a game plan as to how you're going to develop the character of each child. Sit down together and write out a list of characteristics you’d like to see in your kids – and the things you don’t want to see in your kids. That's right, I said write them down! Good intentions are fine, but without intentionality they will not come to fruition.
Begin putting together your game plan as early as possible. Even when your child is a baby you can start thinking about the primary things that need to happen in their life. What do you want to see developed in them? If you have your goals set out early, they can act as a filter through which you pass your parenting decisions down the road.
Speaking of "down the road," for some people it can feel overwhelming to be looking so far into the future. You may feel like it's all you can do to keep up with what needs to be done today, let alone worrying about how your child is going to turn out twenty years from now. That's pretty normal. A long-term plan is valuable, but it is still lived out one day at a time. Rather than becoming overwhelmed by all that you need to do, try choosing one thing to work on with each child this winter and go from there.
Live out your values
It's been said before, but it's true. So much more is caught than taught. No matter how many lessons you may teach them, remember that your kids are learning so much more from the way you live and carry yourself, than they are from the things you say.
Kids are looking for role models. Whether it's sports heroes or rock stars, children emulate the people they look up to. You may not be rich and famous, but you can give your kids a much better reason to respect you by living a life of integrity. Live out the values that you want your kids to exude in their own lives, and more than likely they will begin to follow in your footsteps as the years go by. Set the bar high in terms of your expectations of yourself if you want to set it high for your kids.
Maximize teachable moments
Wouldn't it be nice if we could always schedule our child's training into our day? "Today from 3:00-3:30 we are going to teach Johnny the value of honesty."
As you know, parenting doesn't happen that way. Each day comes with opportunities for building our child's character that we don’t plan or choose. Sometimes they come when we're busy or distracted, or when we just don't feel like being a parent. But if we can slow down enough to catch a teachable moment and slide in that lesson, it’s a beautiful gift to your child. They will make an immediate connection between the incident and the value, and they'll remember it the next time a similar situation arises.
Make daily deposits of virtue
We've already talked about the importance of intentionality. I want to challenge you to intentionally make daily deposits into their life. In other words, make a conscious effort to say something to your child everyday that is going to be of lasting value in the development of their character.
You may have a list of eight to ten things you want for your child’s life, but you’ve got to come to the point that you translate that list into everyday life. Try posting that list in the cupboard or somewhere else you'll see it regularly. Check-mark your way through it. Ask yourself, have I talked about honesty lately? Have I talked about trust, or kindness? And if the answer is no, make a point of doing it before the day is over.
As you continuously make these daily deposits, there will be lasting character value. That's not to say there won't still be struggles. None of us have perfect children, and none of us are perfect parents, either. But with a solid game plan and the determination to follow it through, we can raise children of character.
~Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC, and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored, a television program airing weekly across Canada. Check www.marriageuncensored.com for local broadcast information.